…to cry anymore.
…in love with love while it lasts?
Why do people always find new ways to get inside your head and curl their fingers around your brain making you think about them all the time. And then they look with those eyes.. those eyes that you can’t get away from, and look straight into your heart so that you start to feel close to them. And if that’s not enough, they touch, with their gentlest of touches, the small of your back that makes you tingle so that you want them so bad?
And when they have accomplished all of that, they take a moment to soak it all in. The next step is to leave.
Your brain is haunted by memories, your heart is left in pieces, and there is no one beside you to hold, and then you feel lonely.
The thing is, is that you know it’s just going to happen all over again, whether it be with the same person, or the next one that comes along. But that’s not even the worst part.
The worst part is knowing that you and your stupid self are going to let it happen. You see it. It happens right before your eyes, but you don’t walk away because “This time it will be different.”
How many times did you say that with the others? Because once you say that, that’s how the process begins.
But maybe… just maybe it really will be different this time. You just have to find the person that is up for the challenge.
If you want me, show me. If you need me, tell me. If you have me, show me off. And if I’m worth it, fight for me.
Find the one who isn’t ashamed to let you and the world know how they feel. But if they leave, perhaps they never really were that person. If they come back, maybe they realized how dumb they were. If nothing changes, they really are dumb.
There is no sure answer to any question about love.
#gowiththeflow
Another day has gone by. Yesterday Vince broke up with me. Its funny how someone so close could say “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me” and the very next day tell me that he didn’t want to be with you.
I try to smile, but I felt so close. I always open up too fast. And it kills me because this time, I decided to be open from the start - to trust, and depend on him. Not depend on him for happiness, but to rely on him for security when I was an open wound.
I just want to scream at him and tell him to come back. But I can’t be selfish. If I truly care about him, I will let him go. And if I do mean as much to him as he said I did, he will come back. So for now, I will cry over my keyboard and weep over my phone’s full battery because I have no one to message anymore.
I could have sworn that it was impossible to feel this empty after such a short time? I feel like my life is like a movie. Where you fall for someone so quickly, but in my life, it never actually lasts. So pretty much like a Nicholas Spars book.
Today is the sunniest day it’s been in a long while, but it feels like it’s raining.
Maybe I’ll just give up. Clearly trying isn’t worth it.
…that he finally ended things. He ended things for good. All of my worries and doubts are… how you say… irrelevant now, because those things are none of my business…
I thought I would be relieved? Because I kept wondering if/when we were going to end… And I wasn’t sure what I would do when I got back to school IF I go back to school, because.. well… just because. And I thought this would solve everything that had to do with him.
But now? Now I feel hurt, empty, sad, alone… Like the one person who had me convinced that they cared has finally gotten down from his pedestal and has given back his gold medal… So it leaves me thinking: If everyone does this to me.. not everyone can be bad
…this is all my fault…
I push people away. Though I won’t cry because my boyfriend broke up with me, I’ll still be sad.. maybe it’s worse that I can’t cry right now.
…I tried to cry and I can’t. But I’m so, so sad. …maybe I’m loosing it. Every tree I saw on my way home from my friend’s house tonight looked like a very elligable tree to accidentally crash into…
I’m so hurt. I can’t breath, but I can’t cry. I cant feel and my whole body is numb. I feel like a giant weight. I can’t do this… I can’t…
Why is it necessary to give me love, and then ask for it back? …I do not understand…
seriously though… I feel like lately, I just don’t want to feel any emotions. Because if I do, I’m afraid of what I might feel like. You know? I’m just not right internally right now.. My mom wants to “help me” but she forces it on me… If I help myself, I feel good and accomplished. But she tries to fix me and it makes me sad. It makes me look at myself as if I need it. Like I’m some head case that needs to be worked on and experimented with. Especially since she goes and tells EVERYONE that I’m “having some problems”…
I’m a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend. I am NOT a sob story that my mom can use to make others feel bad for our family. I know she doesn’t mean to be like that, but when she tells people that I’ve been having “troubles this past year” that’s what it makes me feel like…
Every person that tries to talk to me then, I want to punch in the face. They smile at me and I want to throw something at their head… I feel like people are always being careful about what they say around me or how they act towards me. They are always trying to “lighten the mood” and it’s so incredibly obvious that it just makes me more and more angry. And then they try to “get to the bottom” of my feelings. STOP. You may not realize it, but I really am in the process of healing myself. They just don’t know because they haven’t the slightest idea of what I have/am going through. They all think they know. But there are things unsaid that, if they knew, would make them realize and they would leave me alone finally. That, or all of this would be ten times stronger and then I would be that person standing on the hand rail of the bridge downtown…
Have they EVER thought that maybe, just maybe, I might know what I’m doing sometimes and they shouldn’t be so pushy and assertive? I will come to them when I am ready. I’m just trying to deal with myself for right now. I am not ready to have a tearful tell-all with my parents.
I just don’t want to feel anything, anything at all. Not now. But if I turn off my feelings like last time, I don’t know if I’ll be able to come out of it this time. The rest of my life would be spent as a waste of space of Earth…
But for now, I just want to turn everything off, close my eyes, and sleep until the last day…
(via bluntlust)
Source: wishful--dreaming
I am sad. I want to go home. Not my “home” that I’m at right now, but home home. Home is where the heart is. Where your soul feels safe, and your mind feels free. Home is where you can run into the arms of the ones you love whenever you want and you will always be content even if times are hard. Home is where you can feel and give the most love. Home is where you can be in love with him or her. Home is where you can finally relax, though your body is stressed, and your mind is constantly busy. Home is where I want to be. To be with you - and only you - from now until the rest of forever.
I am tired. I want to sleep. But sleep is distant from me. It wanders away as if its looking for me and I for it, but we are two ships passing in the night, just barely missing each other. I want to get away and dream of a far away land with you where sailboats glide on the bluest of blue oceans, and seagulls soar in the bluest of blue skies. I want to dream, and maybe, just maybe, if I dream hard and long enough, my dream will become reality and I can dream forever and always until the last day.
I am lonely. But I know you are with me. I cannot wait until the day I see your face again. I want to run away with you. We could go to Korea, Fiji, or Bora Bora. You know I love Bora Bora. Let’s go. Let’s buy a one way ticket and get away from the craziness that has become our lives. Let’s get in the car and drive and never look in the rear view mirror.
I am learning to forget the past, and look towards the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Does it really matter how we found the rainbow or where? Whether we follow it from the beginning or the middle, we’ll all get to the end somehow. Or should it matter? I can’t let go of MY past. How can I say to a person “It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, but who you are now and how you plan to get to where you are going” if I can’t even drop searching for the start to my life?
But you are teaching me how to deal with this. You teach me how t learn from it, to handle it, and to find what I want to know in a justifiable way. You give me hope, and I love you. How could I not? I am at home with you, and you with me. Love me forever, and even if you don’t, I shall. But I just need to get out of this place.
one didn’t want me, and the other doesn’t understand that it hurt. I just wish I could close my head to not think about the former, and open my head to the latter so they would see how I feel. Is it selfish that I always feel sad? I always feel like I should be happy for the sake of those around me. I want to be around my friends, but I drive them away by being someone I’m not just so that I don’t appear to be sad. And when that happens, I just feel abandoned all over again. What a paradox…