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Posts Tagged: lonely

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11 months ago    |   Tags: lonely sad lost trapped   |   Notes: 129
seriously though… I feel like lately, I just don’t want to feel any emotions.  Because if I do, I’m afraid of what I might feel like.  You know?  I’m just not right internally right now..  My mom wants to “help me” but she forces it on me… If I help myself, I feel good and accomplished.  But she tries to fix me and it makes me sad.  It makes me look at myself as if I need it.  Like I’m some head case that needs to be worked on and experimented with.  Especially since she goes and tells EVERYONE that I’m “having some problems”… I’m a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend.  I am NOT a sob story that my mom can use to make others feel bad for our family.  I know she doesn’t mean to be like that, but when she tells people that I’ve been having “troubles this past year” that’s what it makes me feel like… Every person that tries to talk to me then, I want to punch in the face.  They smile at me and I want to throw something at their head…  I feel like people are always being careful about what they say around me or how they act towards me. They are always trying to “lighten the mood” and it’s so incredibly obvious that it just makes me more and more angry.  And then they try to “get to the bottom” of my feelings.  STOP.  You may not realize it, but I really am in the process of healing myself.  They just don’t know because they haven’t the slightest idea of what I have/am going through.  They all think they know.  But there are things unsaid that, if they knew, would make them realize and they would leave me alone finally.  That, or all of this would be ten times stronger and then I would be that person standing on the hand rail of the bridge downtown… Have they EVER thought that maybe, just maybe, I might know what I’m doing sometimes and they shouldn’t be so pushy and assertive?  I will come to them when I am ready.  I’m just trying to deal with myself for right now.  I am not ready to have a tearful tell-all with my parents. I just don’t want to feel anything, anything at all.  Not now.  But if I turn off my feelings like last time, I don’t know if I’ll be able to come out of it this time.  The rest of my life would be spent as a waste of space of Earth… But for now, I just want to turn everything off, close my eyes, and sleep until the last day…

seriously though… I feel like lately, I just don’t want to feel any emotions.  Because if I do, I’m afraid of what I might feel like.  You know?  I’m just not right internally right now..  My mom wants to “help me” but she forces it on me… If I help myself, I feel good and accomplished.  But she tries to fix me and it makes me sad.  It makes me look at myself as if I need it.  Like I’m some head case that needs to be worked on and experimented with.  Especially since she goes and tells EVERYONE that I’m “having some problems”…

I’m a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend.  I am NOT a sob story that my mom can use to make others feel bad for our family.  I know she doesn’t mean to be like that, but when she tells people that I’ve been having “troubles this past year” that’s what it makes me feel like…

Every person that tries to talk to me then, I want to punch in the face.  They smile at me and I want to throw something at their head…  I feel like people are always being careful about what they say around me or how they act towards me. They are always trying to “lighten the mood” and it’s so incredibly obvious that it just makes me more and more angry.  And then they try to “get to the bottom” of my feelings.  STOP.  You may not realize it, but I really am in the process of healing myself.  They just don’t know because they haven’t the slightest idea of what I have/am going through.  They all think they know.  But there are things unsaid that, if they knew, would make them realize and they would leave me alone finally.  That, or all of this would be ten times stronger and then I would be that person standing on the hand rail of the bridge downtown…

Have they EVER thought that maybe, just maybe, I might know what I’m doing sometimes and they shouldn’t be so pushy and assertive?  I will come to them when I am ready.  I’m just trying to deal with myself for right now.  I am not ready to have a tearful tell-all with my parents.

I just don’t want to feel anything, anything at all.  Not now.  But if I turn off my feelings like last time, I don’t know if I’ll be able to come out of it this time.  The rest of my life would be spent as a waste of space of Earth…

But for now, I just want to turn everything off, close my eyes, and sleep until the last day…

(via bluntlust)

Source: wishful--dreaming

day 3 of the prison diaries:

Text
12 months ago    |   Tags: lonely sad past confusion love being in love  

I am sad.  I want to go home.  Not my “home” that I’m at right now, but home home. Home is where the heart is.  Where your soul feels safe, and your mind feels free.  Home is where you can run into the arms of the ones you love whenever you want and you will always be content even if times are hard.  Home is where you can feel and give the most love.  Home is where you can be in love with him or her.  Home is where you can finally relax, though your body is stressed, and your mind is constantly busy.  Home is where I want to be.  To be with you - and only you - from now until the rest of forever.

I am tired.  I want to sleep.  But sleep is distant from me.  It wanders away as if its looking for me and I for it, but we are two ships passing in the night, just barely missing each other.  I want to get away and dream of a far away land with you where sailboats glide on the bluest of blue oceans, and seagulls soar in the bluest of blue skies.  I want to dream, and maybe, just maybe, if I dream hard and long enough, my dream will become reality and I can dream forever and always until the last day.

I am lonely.  But I know you are with me.  I cannot wait until the day I see your face again.  I want to run away with you.  We could go to Korea, Fiji, or Bora Bora.  You know I love Bora Bora.  Let’s go.  Let’s buy a one way ticket and get away from the craziness that has become our lives.  Let’s get in the car and drive and never look in the rear view mirror.

I am learning to forget the past, and look towards the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Does it really matter how we found the rainbow or where?   Whether we follow it from the beginning or the middle, we’ll all get to the end somehow.  Or should it matter?  I can’t let go of MY past.  How can I say to a person “It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, but who you are now and how you plan to get to where you are going” if I can’t even drop searching for the start to my life?

But you are teaching me how to deal with this.  You teach me how t learn from it, to handle it, and to find what I want to know in a justifiable way.  You give me hope, and I love you.  How could I not?  I am at home with you, and you with me.  Love me forever, and even if you don’t, I shall.  But I just need to get out of this place.